The Reason

What an interesting weekend. The reason I was so burdened yesterday was because I wanted complete control of my life. I didn't end up getting a hold of "Clairvoyant," I'll just call her Clare from now on. No I drove by her house and no one was home, so I went home and tried to keep myself occupied. I played a little guitar, which is very therapeutic. I tried to get some reading done but wasn't very successful. I was still a little despondent when my dad left for his date and I was home alone. My brother showed up with his girlfriend and I decided to take a walk. I didn't really have any goals in mind, but I decided to walk to 7/11 and get a water.

I grab my coat and pull my gloves on, but I can't find my hat. I get outside and check my car but it's not there either but I decide it doesn't seem as cold as it was earlier in the day (probably because I didn't have a coat or gloves all day.) As I reach in my car I decide it's probably a good time to listen to Ancient Faith Radio on my iPhone so I grab my ear-buds from the center console.

Rain streaks past the illumined space under street lamps and the wind is blustery and gusting. The sky is dark and I hardly notice clouds pouring out overhead. I turn the music on and it takes me away. Heavy Byzantine chanting thunders on about the power and glory of God as I step. I'm swept into the Jesus prayer and I begin to wonder about the future of my life with Him.

The track ends and the thunderous voices of Byzantine bass is replaced by the sweet and gentle voices of nuns praising God's never-ending mercy. As I walk I imagine myself being a monk. The wind blows into my stride and the old man is blown away to somewhere far behind me. My name changes, my life is gone. I become something in the world, something you can see, touch, hear, and smell, yet something that does not belong to this world in any way. The world around me, trees, buildings, sidewalks, cars, everything I can see begins to look temporary and fading. Nothing as I see it will last, nothing will remain of this world, it is all so fleeting. My body included. My body becomes a tool as my soul unites with Christ and my body becomes His. As I am on this earth is only of any use to people who need help. That's when I arrive at 7/11.

I'm in bliss, not thinking I can only manage a subtle "Good morning," to the cashier as she awaits the cigarette order of the young man in front of her. "I guess it's evening isn't it." I stride past and collect a bowl of fruit and water bottle. I make some small talk as she's bagging my things and I slide my credit card. Apparently she works twelve hour shifts every day, and get's off work at two in the morning. I wish her a good night and grab my bag when she says rather acquisitively that she's waiting for me to finish. I was actually a little hurt by how rude she was. I signed my name and stepped out the door, my heart had sunk.

Before I turned the corner of the store I remembered then that it was my prideful ego which demanded more respect of people and happily forgave her, I am not my ego, I was a monk for the night.

On my drive to church in the morning I still considered that I had made up my mind. I was much more my ego by morning, and I understand that monastic life is hard, but I thought I had resolved to take that path. And it wasn't until after church that I had any doubts. I was enjoying my lunch with the rest of the congregation. I was just finishing up some conversation with a woman and then this girl sits down across the table from me. Who is "this girl?" Well, the first time I Googled her name the first hit was titled "This is the one."

Heavy Weather

I'm sitting down at my desk here in Anacortes, Washington and I feel like anyone would be blessed to have the life that I do. It is a gray and cloudy evening and the night will be here soon. I can see it all to my right through a complete wall of windows ten feet high, and nearly straight ahead I can look down Commercial Avenue through another 8' x 10' window. The constant humming of space heaters warms a soon to be coffee shop on my left. The lamps are shining from their end tables and here I am thinking too hard about my life.

Perhaps I'm a little homesick or maybe that's just my excuse for feeling a little bit out of place. I've assumed too much control of my life and that's just about the time I start to feel out of control. It's like I want to carry the load, it gives me purpose, it gives me vision and a goal... but the load is just too heavy. I don't know what I'll be doing an hour from now so how am I supposed to plan out my whole life or who I'm going to be one day?

I know a girl who can read minds, I think I'll go talk to her and unload this quandary. Maybe that's what I'll be doing in an hour. She's really good and helping me figure out things that I already know. So that's nice. Maybe you as the reader don't even believe in that sort of thing, which would strike me as pretty silly considering I know her well and she is a good friend of mine and we play games where she has to guess what I'm thinking.

Anyhow, I think I'm struggling with the call for monasticism versus settling down with a good woman and raising a family. It's a huuuuuge decision, and many saints didn't even question the thought. They just ran as fast as they could toward monastic life and served God. Surely I'm not there because I choose to weigh myself down with incomprehensibly heavy loads instead while I measure the lives of solitude, prayer, and theosis (coming back to the image of God I was created as) against a beautiful and fun wife to raise God-loving children with.

I think it's probably just better to relax, a fine time for a wine I think.

Wouldn't it be nice

I am disgustingly prideful. If your eyes are good you can already see that from my last post. I'm running around thinking I should/could be a monk. Why not be a hieromonk, or a bishop? I'm sorry for the disgusting pride in my last post.

It is not however limited to my last blog post. I'm too quick to anger. No one I know would think of me as an angry person, but in my pride I end up raising my voice to defend my position. I'm the one to push that to the next level and start yelling. It's something my dad just called me out on. We were talking about money, and the business he owns that I've been helping at. I just went into a defensive mode and started raising my voice. I'm stressed that my college loans are going to begin needing paid off in January and I'm making so little money. I'm stressed that the project I came here to do sales for still has not launched. So my father sits down, he calls me out and says, "Your angry, Son, you're raising your voice and I wish you could find a better way to handle that."

"Yes, I am," I say tensely.

So we have a talk, and we calm down and share our thoughts about the way things are and how that provokes us. That's when he says something like, "You get angry quicker than me." And so I sounded off with an acerbic comment, "Well we should just give you a pat on the back, huh Dad."

"No, I don't want a pat on the back, it was not for me, that was about you. You get angry faster than I do."

And I was ashamed, I looked down seeing the reality of the truth of his statement as well my putrid smelling response. I have a long road ahead of me.

Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.