The Reason

What an interesting weekend. The reason I was so burdened yesterday was because I wanted complete control of my life. I didn't end up getting a hold of "Clairvoyant," I'll just call her Clare from now on. No I drove by her house and no one was home, so I went home and tried to keep myself occupied. I played a little guitar, which is very therapeutic. I tried to get some reading done but wasn't very successful. I was still a little despondent when my dad left for his date and I was home alone. My brother showed up with his girlfriend and I decided to take a walk. I didn't really have any goals in mind, but I decided to walk to 7/11 and get a water.

I grab my coat and pull my gloves on, but I can't find my hat. I get outside and check my car but it's not there either but I decide it doesn't seem as cold as it was earlier in the day (probably because I didn't have a coat or gloves all day.) As I reach in my car I decide it's probably a good time to listen to Ancient Faith Radio on my iPhone so I grab my ear-buds from the center console.

Rain streaks past the illumined space under street lamps and the wind is blustery and gusting. The sky is dark and I hardly notice clouds pouring out overhead. I turn the music on and it takes me away. Heavy Byzantine chanting thunders on about the power and glory of God as I step. I'm swept into the Jesus prayer and I begin to wonder about the future of my life with Him.

The track ends and the thunderous voices of Byzantine bass is replaced by the sweet and gentle voices of nuns praising God's never-ending mercy. As I walk I imagine myself being a monk. The wind blows into my stride and the old man is blown away to somewhere far behind me. My name changes, my life is gone. I become something in the world, something you can see, touch, hear, and smell, yet something that does not belong to this world in any way. The world around me, trees, buildings, sidewalks, cars, everything I can see begins to look temporary and fading. Nothing as I see it will last, nothing will remain of this world, it is all so fleeting. My body included. My body becomes a tool as my soul unites with Christ and my body becomes His. As I am on this earth is only of any use to people who need help. That's when I arrive at 7/11.

I'm in bliss, not thinking I can only manage a subtle "Good morning," to the cashier as she awaits the cigarette order of the young man in front of her. "I guess it's evening isn't it." I stride past and collect a bowl of fruit and water bottle. I make some small talk as she's bagging my things and I slide my credit card. Apparently she works twelve hour shifts every day, and get's off work at two in the morning. I wish her a good night and grab my bag when she says rather acquisitively that she's waiting for me to finish. I was actually a little hurt by how rude she was. I signed my name and stepped out the door, my heart had sunk.

Before I turned the corner of the store I remembered then that it was my prideful ego which demanded more respect of people and happily forgave her, I am not my ego, I was a monk for the night.

On my drive to church in the morning I still considered that I had made up my mind. I was much more my ego by morning, and I understand that monastic life is hard, but I thought I had resolved to take that path. And it wasn't until after church that I had any doubts. I was enjoying my lunch with the rest of the congregation. I was just finishing up some conversation with a woman and then this girl sits down across the table from me. Who is "this girl?" Well, the first time I Googled her name the first hit was titled "This is the one."