Heavy Weather

I'm sitting down at my desk here in Anacortes, Washington and I feel like anyone would be blessed to have the life that I do. It is a gray and cloudy evening and the night will be here soon. I can see it all to my right through a complete wall of windows ten feet high, and nearly straight ahead I can look down Commercial Avenue through another 8' x 10' window. The constant humming of space heaters warms a soon to be coffee shop on my left. The lamps are shining from their end tables and here I am thinking too hard about my life.

Perhaps I'm a little homesick or maybe that's just my excuse for feeling a little bit out of place. I've assumed too much control of my life and that's just about the time I start to feel out of control. It's like I want to carry the load, it gives me purpose, it gives me vision and a goal... but the load is just too heavy. I don't know what I'll be doing an hour from now so how am I supposed to plan out my whole life or who I'm going to be one day?

I know a girl who can read minds, I think I'll go talk to her and unload this quandary. Maybe that's what I'll be doing in an hour. She's really good and helping me figure out things that I already know. So that's nice. Maybe you as the reader don't even believe in that sort of thing, which would strike me as pretty silly considering I know her well and she is a good friend of mine and we play games where she has to guess what I'm thinking.

Anyhow, I think I'm struggling with the call for monasticism versus settling down with a good woman and raising a family. It's a huuuuuge decision, and many saints didn't even question the thought. They just ran as fast as they could toward monastic life and served God. Surely I'm not there because I choose to weigh myself down with incomprehensibly heavy loads instead while I measure the lives of solitude, prayer, and theosis (coming back to the image of God I was created as) against a beautiful and fun wife to raise God-loving children with.

I think it's probably just better to relax, a fine time for a wine I think.